If I got these answers on my tests

I'd give them points for making me laugh!!  Supposedly real answers to real test questions. Enjoy!

• "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
• "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
  
• "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
  
• "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
  
• "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
  
• "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
  
• "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
  
• "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot." 
  
• "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
  
• "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
  
• "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."
  
• "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead, or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
  
• "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
  
• "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."